Michael Kinsley might have some extraordinary insight into the psyche of our Canadian neighbors..

Canada's Secret Wish

The Washington Post| Wednesday, November 23, 1988

Whither Canada? That is the question millions of Americans, as usual, have not been asking in recent weeks, as Canadians fought a bitter election campaign over the fate of a free trade agreement with the United States. But at least some have felt guilty about it. Now that Canadians have implicitly approved the agreement by reelecting Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, we can put all thoughts of Canada aside without guilt.

But should we? I think not. Canada needs us. Indeed it may be that in briefly threatening to reject this obviously sensible treaty, Canada - as is so often the case with stagy suicide attempts - was simply trying to draw attention to itself. The entire election was a cry for help.

It was the conceit of the treaty's opponents that free trade is a nefarious plot by Americans to swallow Canada in our embrace and turn it into a 51st state. It was the conceit of the treaty's supporters that this was the last thing any Canadian would wish. In reality, there can't be 100 Americans with the slightest desire to make Canada the 51st state. So, doctor, whence this recurrent night-mare? Well, it doesn't take a PhD in psychology to realize that Canadians' mock horror at the thought of being swallowed by the United States actually masks a deep desire for precisely that. They protest too much. Their lips say "no, no," but their eyes say "yes, yes."

Anyone who has ever conversed with Canadians will have witnessed their psychological torment. They combine a deep professed disdain for south-of-the-border culture—our crime, our squalor, our imperial bravado, our skeletal social welfare system—with an even deeper need for approval from Americans. Clearly they're all torn up inside. They desperately want love, but are unable to supply it hi return.

There is only one cure for this complex neurosis. We must give Canadians what they secretly want. We must embrace them, adopt them, love them, annex them. In short, we must make Canada the 51st state. Or, perhaps, the 51st through 54th states, depending on the best arrangement of stars in the revised American flag.

I hear you saying, "Not so fast, buster." Why should we share our flag — the very symbol over which dozens of political consultants fought valiantly in our own recent election -- with 25 million foreigners? "Love thy neighbor" is an admirable injunction, but Americans — selfish beasts that we are — naturally are going to wonder, "What's in this for us?"

Although it never occurred to me that Canada should become the 51'st state until Canadians began insisting hysterically — and unconvincingly -- that they don't want to be one, now that they've brought it up I can see. that such an arrangement would have many advantages for the United States as well. Indeed, the idea of annexing Canada could appeal to Americans across the political spectrum:

* Woolly left-wing one-worlders should appreciate the erasure of any international border, no matter how faint or porous it is already. We are all fellow passengers on spaceship earth, are we not? The merging of the United States and Canada would be a great spur to conferences, proclamations and suchlike activities celebrating the irrelevance of nationalism in the post-industrial age. Oh goody.

* Right-wing American nativists, white racists, and so on ought to relish the prospect of a vast infusion of Anglo-Saxon stock into the American melting pot. True, there is Quebec, and Toronto has become alarmingly multi-ethnic in recent years. However, most Canadians are still of British decent. In an era when Mexico seems to be annexing itself to the United States one person at a time, and people with names like Dukakis are actually running for president, a merger with Canada would add millions of citizens with sturdy names, like Mulroney and Turner, who speak English with hardly a trace of an accent, and whose native cuisine is virtually spice-free.

* Free traders, of course, should appreciate the addition of a new market, the size of California to the United States economy. Protectionist sentiments would melt away with the border. Floridians and North Dakotans happily do business together without the need for tariffs, quotas, voluntary restraints or other economic prophylactics. Now they could enjoy similar unprotected capitalist pleasures with Saskatchewanians and Nova Scotians.

* Ecologists, ZPG running-out-room types, etc. would love the acquisition of a land mass larger than the continental United States with one-tenth the population. Our ratio of population per acre would instantly be cut in half. Those misanthropes who feel that Montana has been spoiled because you can no longer spend a week without running into another human being or three could adjourn to northern Alberta and Manitoba, there to await the inevitable spreading blight.

From almost any point of view, then, the advantages of merging with Canada are overwhelming. And they want it. You know they want it. Hey, you great, gorgeous piece of frozen northland. Come to Uncle.

Note of disclaimer. Author(s) referenced above in no way have anything to do with this site nor the views expressed herein. The author(s) above have not contacted me about suing me. I'm sure s/he can sue me if s/he wants to (I'm not sure for what) but I would prefer that s/he didn't - so thanks for not.